ashamed.
Thu Jan 15 2026
Cozy late-night bed episode where I realize something big: what I thought was “depression” was actually something much different—and it runs deep.After your supportive comments on my last video, I traced where the pressure comes from… all the way back to my fundamentalist Mormon upbringing, perfectionism, and generational trauma around being “good enough.” This is me pulling the curtain back, naming the pattern, and committing to something brand new.If you relate to heavy self-judgment or perfection pressure, I’d love to hear what hit for you.I’m Calvin (Cultured Boy)—ex-fundamentalist Mormon with 44 siblings, rebuilding life through curiosity, creativity, and honesty.🙏 Like + subscribe for more real-time conversations like this.Follow me on instagram: instagram.com/calvinwayman0:00 🛏️ Cozy late-night “Ashamed” ep + bedtime upload • 0:45 🙏 Like/subscribe + quick “Cultured Boy” origin (44 siblings) • 1:41 🧩 Recap of last “depressed” ep + money/work context • 3:35 💡 Real root: not depression—shame • 4:09 🫂 Big lesson: honesty + community support = “maybe I’m okay” • 5:27 🕳️ “Where did the shame come from?” + deeper backstory setup • 6:00 🗽 NYC + Mormon vs fundamentalist Mormon context • 8:18 🧠 Joseph Smith / narrative reframing + polygamy thread • 12:55 🧨 Doctrine shift: LDS ends polygamy + kicks out polygamists • 16:10 🌟 “Not all bad”: beauty of community/family feeling • 18:06 🧬 Fundamentalism = trauma/rejection + persecution pattern repeats • 22:47 🔒 Insecurity → tighter control (rules, dress, hypervigilance) • 27:02 ♻️ Shame cycle + “can’t mess up” perfection wiring • 29:18 🏁 “Kingdom of God or nothing” = all-or-nothing pressure • 31:10 🎯 Dreams trigger the same “celestial kingdom” pressure wiring • 36:32 ❤️ Hidden good: a part of me deeply cares about living true • 38:32 🧊 Pattern interrupt: you’re still good—even when it’s not perfect • 39:43 🌍 Reframe: the pursuit is beautiful (Middle East doc leap) • 42:49 🔥 Commitment: break the shame pattern in me • 44:26 ✅ Wrap: accept process/outcomes → freedom to keep going • 44:53 🌙 Gratitude + “stay hungry, stay curious” sign-off
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Cozy late-night bed episode where I realize something big: what I thought was “depression” was actually something much different—and it runs deep.After your supportive comments on my last video, I traced where the pressure comes from… all the way back to my fundamentalist Mormon upbringing, perfectionism, and generational trauma around being “good enough.” This is me pulling the curtain back, naming the pattern, and committing to something brand new.If you relate to heavy self-judgment or perfection pressure, I’d love to hear what hit for you.I’m Calvin (Cultured Boy)—ex-fundamentalist Mormon with 44 siblings, rebuilding life through curiosity, creativity, and honesty.🙏 Like + subscribe for more real-time conversations like this.Follow me on instagram: instagram.com/calvinwayman0:00 🛏️ Cozy late-night “Ashamed” ep + bedtime upload • 0:45 🙏 Like/subscribe + quick “Cultured Boy” origin (44 siblings) • 1:41 🧩 Recap of last “depressed” ep + money/work context • 3:35 💡 Real root: not depression—shame • 4:09 🫂 Big lesson: honesty + community support = “maybe I’m okay” • 5:27 🕳️ “Where did the shame come from?” + deeper backstory setup • 6:00 🗽 NYC + Mormon vs fundamentalist Mormon context • 8:18 🧠 Joseph Smith / narrative reframing + polygamy thread • 12:55 🧨 Doctrine shift: LDS ends polygamy + kicks out polygamists • 16:10 🌟 “Not all bad”: beauty of community/family feeling • 18:06 🧬 Fundamentalism = trauma/rejection + persecution pattern repeats • 22:47 🔒 Insecurity → tighter control (rules, dress, hypervigilance) • 27:02 ♻️ Shame cycle + “can’t mess up” perfection wiring • 29:18 🏁 “Kingdom of God or nothing” = all-or-nothing pressure • 31:10 🎯 Dreams trigger the same “celestial kingdom” pressure wiring • 36:32 ❤️ Hidden good: a part of me deeply cares about living true • 38:32 🧊 Pattern interrupt: you’re still good—even when it’s not perfect • 39:43 🌍 Reframe: the pursuit is beautiful (Middle East doc leap) • 42:49 🔥 Commitment: break the shame pattern in me • 44:26 ✅ Wrap: accept process/outcomes → freedom to keep going • 44:53 🌙 Gratitude + “stay hungry, stay curious” sign-off