When your partner says no (but you really wanted them to say yes)
Wed Feb 04 2026
There’s a moment many of us know well: your partner says no, and you really wanted them to say yes.
In this episode of Codependency Alchemy, I walk through a real-life moment from my relationship with Justin where his “no” triggered old patterns of control, guilt, and self-abandonment. I share more about what I wish I had done differently.
This isn’t about forcing agreement or suppressing your needs. It’s about learning how to respect your partner’s autonomy without making their “no” mean something about you…
Oh, and without abandoning yourself in the process.
What you’ll learn in this episode:
* Why your partner’s no can feel so personal
* How covert control and guilt show up in relationships
* The difference between boundaries and power struggles
* Why taking responsibility for your partner creates resentment
* How to stay on the same side of the problem instead of “me vs. you”
This episode is for you if…
* You get triggered when your partner says no
* You tend to take responsibility for other people’s choices
* You struggle with resentment or over-functioning
* You’re healing codependency or the mother wound
Your invitation…
As you listen and reflect on similar moments in your own relationship, you might contemplate:
What am I making my partner’s no mean about me? What am I making their choice mean about our relationship?
I invite you to share your reflections in the comments.
Join the Community
If this episode resonates, you’re invited to continue these conversations inside the Codependency Alchemy membership— a space where we practice witnessing the parts of us we neglect, or reject, building safety in our bodies through nervous system and somatic work, and generational healing together.
Click here to join or learn more
Subscribe over on Substack
This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe
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There’s a moment many of us know well: your partner says no, and you really wanted them to say yes. In this episode of Codependency Alchemy, I walk through a real-life moment from my relationship with Justin where his “no” triggered old patterns of control, guilt, and self-abandonment. I share more about what I wish I had done differently. This isn’t about forcing agreement or suppressing your needs. It’s about learning how to respect your partner’s autonomy without making their “no” mean something about you… Oh, and without abandoning yourself in the process. What you’ll learn in this episode: * Why your partner’s no can feel so personal * How covert control and guilt show up in relationships * The difference between boundaries and power struggles * Why taking responsibility for your partner creates resentment * How to stay on the same side of the problem instead of “me vs. you” This episode is for you if… * You get triggered when your partner says no * You tend to take responsibility for other people’s choices * You struggle with resentment or over-functioning * You’re healing codependency or the mother wound Your invitation… As you listen and reflect on similar moments in your own relationship, you might contemplate: What am I making my partner’s no mean about me? What am I making their choice mean about our relationship? I invite you to share your reflections in the comments. Join the Community If this episode resonates, you’re invited to continue these conversations inside the Codependency Alchemy membership— a space where we practice witnessing the parts of us we neglect, or reject, building safety in our bodies through nervous system and somatic work, and generational healing together. Click here to join or learn more Subscribe over on Substack This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe