Building Self-Trust: How to Show Up for Your Goals When Fear Keeps You Dancing the Hokey Pokey
Thu Jan 29 2026
Are you tired of people-pleasing and circling your goals without ever really going all in? In this episode about building self-trust for women over 40, I share why we keep ourselves at arm's length from the things we really want—and what it takes to finally stop abandoning ourselves to make others comfortable. If you've been stuck in the cycle of looking busy, staying safe, and playing the hokey pokey with your dreams (one foot in, one foot out), this episode will help you understand why vulnerability and discomfort are actually your gateway to real change.
I'm also announcing something that terrifies and excites me: monthly live vision boarding and goal-setting sessions on Substack where we'll work through our goals together as a community. Whether you're navigating midlife transformation, struggling with showing up authentically, or just ready to stop being unmemorable and start making real connections, this conversation is for you. Learn why doing the scary thing—even if nobody shows up—is how you build unshakeable self-trust.
Key Takeaways1. Self-Abandonment Keeps You Safe But Stuck - People-Pleasing Patterns When you're trying to make everyone like you by staying in the background and not rocking the boat, you become unmemorable. The reason we circle our goals instead of going all in? We're managing our vulnerability. We don't want to embarrass ourselves or disappoint others, so we abandon ourselves instead. Real self-trust means choosing discomfort over staying small.
2. "Working on It" Isn't the Same as Going All In - Overcoming Goal Avoidance You can spend years creating podcasts, shooting videos, writing programs, and staying busy—but if you're still keeping your goals at arm's length, you're playing it safe. The hokey pokey approach (putting one leg in, taking it out, circling around) keeps you from the vulnerability of truly committing. Going all in means being willing to say "I did this embarrassing thing and nobody showed up, but I showed up for myself."
3. Community and Accountability Transform Goal Setting for Women Over 40 There's power in doing things together. Starting Tuesday, February 3rd, I'm hosting monthly live vision boarding and goal-setting sessions on Substack (10am EST, first one free) where we'll work on one goal each month, support each other through an accountability chat, and come back together at month's end to reflect on what we learned.
Join the Live Vision Boarding Sessions:
First session: Tuesday, February 3rd at 10am EST
RSVP: Vision Boarding Session
Subscribe to the newsletter: amcostanzo.substack.com/subscribe
Cost: First session FREE, then $7/month for subscribers
Connect With MeFOLLOW ME:
PINTEREST: ACOSTANZO
INSTAGRAM: AGING.FIERCELY
YOUTUBE: AMCOSTANZOWELLNESS
💬 Let's Continue the ConversationWhat's the one goal you've been circling around instead of diving into? I'd love to hear from you! Share your thoughts on Instagram or Pinterest and tag me.
If this hit home for you, I'd love it if you'd leave a quick 5-star rating or just drop a ❤️ in the comments. Or hit that follow button so we can keep spreading the word that midlife isn't a crisis—it's a comeback!
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Are you tired of people-pleasing and circling your goals without ever really going all in? In this episode about building self-trust for women over 40, I share why we keep ourselves at arm's length from the things we really want—and what it takes to finally stop abandoning ourselves to make others comfortable. If you've been stuck in the cycle of looking busy, staying safe, and playing the hokey pokey with your dreams (one foot in, one foot out), this episode will help you understand why vulnerability and discomfort are actually your gateway to real change. I'm also announcing something that terrifies and excites me: monthly live vision boarding and goal-setting sessions on Substack where we'll work through our goals together as a community. Whether you're navigating midlife transformation, struggling with showing up authentically, or just ready to stop being unmemorable and start making real connections, this conversation is for you. Learn why doing the scary thing—even if nobody shows up—is how you build unshakeable self-trust. Key Takeaways1. Self-Abandonment Keeps You Safe But Stuck - People-Pleasing Patterns When you're trying to make everyone like you by staying in the background and not rocking the boat, you become unmemorable. The reason we circle our goals instead of going all in? We're managing our vulnerability. We don't want to embarrass ourselves or disappoint others, so we abandon ourselves instead. Real self-trust means choosing discomfort over staying small. 2. "Working on It" Isn't the Same as Going All In - Overcoming Goal Avoidance You can spend years creating podcasts, shooting videos, writing programs, and staying busy—but if you're still keeping your goals at arm's length, you're playing it safe. The hokey pokey approach (putting one leg in, taking it out, circling around) keeps you from the vulnerability of truly committing. Going all in means being willing to say "I did this embarrassing thing and nobody showed up, but I showed up for myself." 3. Community and Accountability Transform Goal Setting for Women Over 40 There's power in doing things together. Starting Tuesday, February 3rd, I'm hosting monthly live vision boarding and goal-setting sessions on Substack (10am EST, first one free) where we'll work on one goal each month, support each other through an accountability chat, and come back together at month's end to reflect on what we learned. Join the Live Vision Boarding Sessions: First session: Tuesday, February 3rd at 10am EST RSVP: Vision Boarding Session Subscribe to the newsletter: amcostanzo.substack.com/subscribe Cost: First session FREE, then $7/month for subscribers Connect With MeFOLLOW ME: PINTEREST: ACOSTANZO INSTAGRAM: AGING.FIERCELY YOUTUBE: AMCOSTANZOWELLNESS 💬 Let's Continue the ConversationWhat's the one goal you've been circling around instead of diving into? I'd love to hear from you! Share your thoughts on Instagram or Pinterest and tag me. If this hit home for you, I'd love it if you'd leave a quick 5-star rating or just drop a ❤️ in the comments. Or hit that follow button so we can keep spreading the word that midlife isn't a crisis—it's a comeback!