Authentically ADHD

Show Notes: Hello and welcome to Authentically ADHD – I’m Carmen, and I’m so glad you’re tuning in. Today we’re exploring a topic I know many of us grapple with: why you’re still exhausted even after resting, especially when you’re both autistic and ADHD (often called AuDHD). If you’ve ever wondered, “I took a break, so why do I still feel drained?” this episode is for you. We often hear about the idea of a “social battery.” The classic metaphor goes like this: social time drains you, alone time or rest recharges you, then you’re good to go again. It’s a handy way to explain why you might feel wiped out after a party or a day of meetings – you used up your social battery and need some quiet time to recharge. For neurotypical folks or even just introverts, that simple formula sometimes works: hang out with people (battery drains), spend a night in (battery refills), and you’re refreshed. But if you’re neurodivergent – and especially if you’re AuDHD (autistic + ADHD) – you’ve probably noticed it’s not that simple. You might spend a weekend resting at home only to wake up on Monday still bone-tired. Or you take a day off to recharge, and by evening you’re more exhausted than before. What gives? In today’s episode, we’re going to answer that. We’ll talk about why the one-dimensional social battery metaphor doesn’t fully capture what’s happening in our brains and bodies. We’ll dive into the neuroscience behind exhaustion in autism and ADHD: it’s not just being “peopled out” – it’s also things like masking, sensory overload, executive function fatigue, chronic stress mode, and even missed signals from our own bodies. By understanding these factors, we can start to make sense of why just “resting” isn’t always enough for us. Importantly, we’ll discuss what real rest means for an AuDHD brain. I’ll share some strategies and tips on how to recharge the right way (because if your rest isn’t targeting the actual type of tired you are, it’s not going to truly restore you). And be sure to stick around till the end – I have 7 reflection questions for you. These will help you apply what we talk about to your own life, so you can figure out what drains your energy and how to refill your tank more effectively. So, grab a comfy seat, maybe a notebook, and let’s unpack why you’re still exhausted after rest – and what we can do about it. The Classic “Social Battery” Metaphor – And Its Limits Let’s start with that “social battery” idea. It’s a popular way to describe energy levels, especially for introverts. The idea is pretty straightforward: social interaction uses energy, and solitude or downtime charges you back up. For example, if you spend all day socializing with coworkers or attending events, you might feel drained – your social battery is empty. Then you recharge by being alone, watching Netflix, reading, sleeping, what have you. The next day, your battery is full again (or at least partially recharged) and you repeat the cycle. This metaphor resonates because it acknowledges that socializing can be tiring, even if it’s fun. It’s commonly mentioned for conditions like ADHD or just shy/introverted personalities: “I need to recharge my social battery.” For neurotypical people, often a good night’s sleep or a quiet Sunday morning might indeed restore that sense of energy. But here’s the catch: the social battery model assumes only one dimension of fatigue – social energy in versus out. It treats all “rest” as equal, like plugging your phone into any charger will top it off. For those of us with ADHD, autism, or both (AuDHD), our experience tells a more complex story. We don’t just have a single battery that drains and refills; we have an entire panel of batteries or fuel tanks, each for different kinds of energy. Sometimes you’re not even sure which battery is low – you just know you’re running on fumes. And crucially, if you try to recharge in the wrong way, it’s like putting the wrong fuel in a car: you don’t get very far, and you might even stall out. Have you ever tried to rest – say you cleared your weekend to do nothing – and you did all the “right” restful things like sleeping in or binging a show, but you still felt wiped out on Monday? I’ve been there. Before I understood the multiple dimensions of burnout, I would get frustrated at myself: “I rested, why am I still tired? What’s wrong with me?” The social battery idea would have me believe that rest = recharge, so if I rested and I’m still tired, I must be doing something wrong. But the truth was, my rest wasn’t actually addressing the kind of exhaustion I had. The classic metaphor doesn’t account for things like: Mental overload – maybe your mind was exhausted from racing thoughts or decision-making, but your “rest” didn’t quiet your mind. Sensory overload – maybe your senses were still on high alert from a noisy, bright, chaotic week, and watching TV on the couch kept bombarding you with light and sound. Emotional strain – maybe you were carrying stress or anxiety (perhaps from masking your true self or holding in emotions), and “resting” by doing nothing didn’t process those feelings. Physical fatigue – maybe your body needed real recovery (nutrition, hydration, movement or sleep), but your rest was just lying around without addressing those needs. Executive function fatigue – perhaps you spent all week forcing your ADHD brain to stay organized and on-task, which is extremely draining, and simply taking time off work didn’t automatically replenish that mental fuel. In other words, neurodivergent exhaustion is multi-faceted, and the social battery idea is just one piece of the puzzle. For AuDHD folks, social interaction itself can be exhausting, yes, but why it’s exhausting goes beyond just “I don’t like being around people too long.” There are underlying factors – neurological and physiological – that make social settings or daily life in general more draining for us than for others. Let’s break down those factors. Why AuDHD Exhaustion Is More Than “Just Social” When you have autism, ADHD, or both, several concurrent processes are depleting your energy throughout the day. It’s like having multiple apps running on your mental phone battery. If we ignore all but one, we miss the full picture. Here are some of the big drains on an AuDHD “battery”: 1. The Masking Labor – Hidden Exhaustion of “Acting Normal” Masking refers to hiding or suppressing your natural neurodivergent behaviors to fit into a neurotypical world. Think of it as a social survival strategy: you force yourself to maintain eye contact even though it’s uncomfortable, you hold back your stims (like fidgeting or rocking) to seem “calm,” you laugh when you’re supposed to even if you’re confused, you constantly monitor your tone and words so you don’t offend or seem weird. Basically, you’re running a mental filter 24/7 to appear “normal.” That is hard work! For autistic people especially, masking can be an enormous cognitive and emotional load. It’s not just casually wearing a “social face”; it’s more like performing a play where you’re the actor and the director, constantly watching yourself from the outside. For ADHD folks, masking might involve holding back your impulsive comments, forcing yourself to sit still and appear attentive, or over-preparing for conversations so you don’t lose track. All this mental multitasking consumes a ton of energy. Imagine your brain as a computer running several heavy programs at once – eventually it’s going to lag or overheat. When you’re masking, you might be: Analyzing every social cue and your own reactions (“Am I smiling enough? Did that joke land? Do I seem interested?”). Inhibiting natural impulses (“Don’t stim, don’t interrupt, don’t pace even though I’m restless…”). Translating your intended words into more “acceptable” phrases. Absorbing the stress of not being able to relax or be yourself. No wonder by the time you get home from work or a social gathering, you feel like you ran a marathon (even if all you did was sit in a conference room or a cafe). Masking is exhausting. It’s often described as wearing a heavy costume all day; when you finally take it off, you might physically collapse. This is a huge reason your “social battery” drains so fast and stays low: you weren’t just socializing, you were performing and self-censoring nonstop. 2. Sensory Processing Load – When the World Overwhelms Your Senses Many autistic and ADHD individuals experience sensory sensitivities. This means ordinary environments can feel like an assault on your nervous system. The lights in a grocery store are glaring and fluorescent, the chatter at a party is a jumble of noise, the fabric of your shirt tag is scratching your neck all day – these might barely register for a neurotypical person, but for us, they can be intensely distracting or irritating. Your brain is constantly processing sensory input: sight, sound, touch, smell, movement, etc. In neurotypical brains, there’s a filter – they can often tune out background noise or adapt quickly to stimuli. In an AuDHD brain, that filter may be weaker or just different. Everything comes in at full volume, so to speak. As a result, you’re expending energy just to exist in what others call a “normal” environment. You might not realize how much work your brain is doing to process and cope with the sensory avalanche until you find yourself utterly drained for “no obvious reason.” It’s not just mentally tiring; it activates your physiology. When you’re in sensory overload, your body can go into a mild fight-or-flight state. Think about being startled by a sudden loud noise – your heart jumps, adrenaline spikes. Now imagine smaller scale bu