How To Use Validation To Prioritize Family Relationships With Special Guest Dale Rubury
Tue Sep 09 2025
This is the 100th Episode of the podcast. And for 100 episodes it has been the goal to help parents understand their children so as to create a validating environment as well as a foundation of connection for your child’s wellbeing. In this episode, Leslie and Dale focus on how to make attending to the relationship with your child a high priority especially when there are escalating emotions. What’s the goal of your interactions with your child? Today’s episode explores the three goals of interpersonal situations from Dialectic Behavior Therapy as well as the six levels of validation.
Time Stamps
3:38 What are the three goals of interpersonal situations
The objective of the situation - balancing the short term vs long termAttending to your self-respectAttending to the relationship and how the person would feel after the interaction9:56 Escalating emotions is an indication that you may need to change your priority of the three goals
10:10 When the relationship is the number one priority in order to create the foundation of connection for your child’s wellbeing
11:53 Why is validation so important and what does it mean
Validation is acknowledgment, not agreementParents need to practice “biting their tongue” so as not to invalidate your child16:20 Discussion of invalidation - Dale’s personal experience
18:25 Mysophonia is a diagnosis that validates the sensory overwhelm that some children/people feel
21:20 The respect you give your child will in turn often lead your child to respect you.
22:58 Beware of double down on getting your objective met when misbehavior shows up.
23:50 Change course means changing your priority from the objective to the relationship
24:34 The Six Levels of Validation
25:20 Level one: Paying attention
26:41 Level two: Reflect back
27:54 Level three: Reading minds
30:42 Level four: Understanding
32:16 Level five: Acknowledge the valid
33:32 Level six: Show equality
35:10 Choosing the level of validation that works is up to the individual and the situation
36:56 Examples of Functional Validation
38:30 Use the phrase: “What I just said might have felt invalidating to you” when someone gets upset with something you might have said
39:10 Match your intention with the impact
Leslie-ism: I want to say to parents: it's our job to take the first step forward.
Resources:
Dialectic Behavior Therapy - Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout on Validation including the Six Levels of Validation
Dialectic Behavior Therapy - Clarifying Priorities in Interpersonal Situations Worksheet
For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.
Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by
More
This is the 100th Episode of the podcast. And for 100 episodes it has been the goal to help parents understand their children so as to create a validating environment as well as a foundation of connection for your child’s wellbeing. In this episode, Leslie and Dale focus on how to make attending to the relationship with your child a high priority especially when there are escalating emotions. What’s the goal of your interactions with your child? Today’s episode explores the three goals of interpersonal situations from Dialectic Behavior Therapy as well as the six levels of validation. Time Stamps 3:38 What are the three goals of interpersonal situations The objective of the situation - balancing the short term vs long termAttending to your self-respectAttending to the relationship and how the person would feel after the interaction9:56 Escalating emotions is an indication that you may need to change your priority of the three goals 10:10 When the relationship is the number one priority in order to create the foundation of connection for your child’s wellbeing 11:53 Why is validation so important and what does it mean Validation is acknowledgment, not agreementParents need to practice “biting their tongue” so as not to invalidate your child16:20 Discussion of invalidation - Dale’s personal experience 18:25 Mysophonia is a diagnosis that validates the sensory overwhelm that some children/people feel 21:20 The respect you give your child will in turn often lead your child to respect you. 22:58 Beware of double down on getting your objective met when misbehavior shows up. 23:50 Change course means changing your priority from the objective to the relationship 24:34 The Six Levels of Validation 25:20 Level one: Paying attention 26:41 Level two: Reflect back 27:54 Level three: Reading minds 30:42 Level four: Understanding 32:16 Level five: Acknowledge the valid 33:32 Level six: Show equality 35:10 Choosing the level of validation that works is up to the individual and the situation 36:56 Examples of Functional Validation 38:30 Use the phrase: “What I just said might have felt invalidating to you” when someone gets upset with something you might have said 39:10 Match your intention with the impact Leslie-ism: I want to say to parents: it's our job to take the first step forward. Resources: Dialectic Behavior Therapy - Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout on Validation including the Six Levels of Validation Dialectic Behavior Therapy - Clarifying Priorities in Interpersonal Situations Worksheet For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by